Anniversaries sneak up on you…

As I watched the sun peak light on the breakfast offering and the cutting sprouting it’s first root, I was oddly upset this morning.

Then I realised that it’s been 5 years to the day today that I first processed this :
There was a glow in the vast darkness. A small flicker at first, but the fire got bigger and bigger, until I realized it was long hair, attached to a body.

This body was wrapped in silk scarves of different shades of vibrant green – forest green, spring green, kelly green, fern green, pine green, you get the point – all accented with gold trim. They floated around her as if the atmosphere was water. As I peered down below, she looked up at me, pale skin and smiles; her flame hair floating around to match the movement of her scarves.

There’s been 4.5 years of struggle in there, eventually realising it was actually Loki.

Happy anniversary, Flame-hair.


Rock Shelter

Still trying to carve out time to continuously blog, but a lot of stuff has happened and it has thrown me way off guard. Along with a mindshift of how to even write this post. I guess there’s something to be said about shadow work and perceiving what you are sending out.

The tail of Jörmungandr is double sided. On one end, it acts as a barrier, protecting what’s outside while you work on struggling with the fight on the inside. On the other, it’s a great way of pushing you off whatever ledge you’re standing on, crashing to the depths below.

And while trying to work through some things, I found myself crashing hard.

I’m on the floor, writhing. Bone-Tired.  Adulting is exhausting. Here are situations I’m finding myself in that I never thought in my 40 years I’d be in. But here I am.

At the mouth. The cave that’s a mouth that’s a cave. It’s silent. There’s no Serpent, there’s no laughing, no screaming. Unnervingly silent.

Once in a while, there’s the sound of liquid dripping further into the chasms. A hallow echo to remind me I still have my senses.

I don’t know how long I’ve been lying here. I’m not sure I care if I ever get up or leave.

The Mother of Monsters comes and collects me off this damp, dark cave floor. I ask Him to leave me here. It’s cool, soothing, and my body feels too heavy to move.

He puts me back down, frowns, and props Himself against the wall and, inevitably asks why.

To be done. I’m too old. I’ve fucked too much up over the years. I’ve made a mess and I don’t think I can clean it up. I don’t even know where to start, or comprehend how.

It started as a chuckle, but before too long His howling laughter is ringing through the cave.

Once He catches His breath, and wipes a tear or two away.
Oh daft one, let me remind you who you’re talking to.

He picks me up again, this time without effort.
Come on, let’s figure out a good place to start.

Friday Five: 4/20/18

I have been working 45-50 hours a week (or more) lately and everything has been falling off. In order to work on the habit of regular blogging, I thought getting behind the Friday Five idea would help to work on it :

  1. I’ve been trying to work on some of the “basic” techniques on energy work I learned over 25 years ago. I’ve been an arm chair person (pagan, sorceress, astrologist, etc) for almost two decades that this feels so foreign but familiar at the same time.  I’m still trying to self-assess how I am processing this, but I’m doing my best to not beat myself up for letting things slip for two decades.
  2. I found this in my drafts, and I’m not sure what I meant here, but I like it. Hopefully the rest of it will comeback to me:
    I honor the Gods by honoring myself.
    Now don’t take that as getting decked out in gold everything and then saying ‘Hail Gullveig’.
    I can definitely get behind that lost idea, though.
  3.  I’m excited to read Modern Norse Heathen webzine. I just found out about it today and have requested to be put on the mailing list.
  4.  I got some new needles and will be starting to teach myself crochet. I have tried to learn how to knit in the past but I am having a lot of issues with getting to the next row.  A couple friends have suggested crocheting instead. Pretty excited. I miss having creative hobbies, so it will be nice to go back to something non-electronic.
  5. I’ve been struggling socially as well. Not sure if it’s due to the increased workload, but I am trying so hard to keep the depression at bay. I’m managing.

Nine paces

In yet another cave. The stone walls mimic scales, cold to the touch. Maniacal laughter echoes faintly off the walls.

I wander around the room of the cave. I notice one wall is heaving, breathing, and laden with iridescence. I somehow know these scales, know their owner. In a familiarity I was not aware that I had before that instant.

So brave, and so strong…

I trace my hand around them. The scales are larger than I am tall.  I’m filled with all sorts of emotions — fierce love, adoration, strength, and the crushing weight of loneliness.

I’m not sure what you wish of me, World Serpent.

Suddenly I’m at the mouth … His mouth, the mouth of the cave. We’ve been here a couple of times before… But now everything has changed and it’s just the cave opening. There’s a very small snake at my feet.

I gently pick him up and hold him at eye level. Before I can say anything, the snake wraps around my wrist. As soon as it bites it’s tail, I wake up.

I’m oddly ill for two days and left knowing Things I’m not sure I should know.

In like a lion…

It’s hard for me to fathom that it’s already the 11th week of 2018. I had so much I had wanted to do by now, but I’ve not thought of or completed any sort of goals for the year.

At first I wanted to do the traditional new year’s, then as that slipped away, the Chinese New Year seemed like another apt starting point, and now that’s gone and I’m no closer to any sort of resolution or goal for this year. Much like many, many years in the past.  I attribute this to the time slip of depression, because I am almost always in a constant shift between dysthymia and major depressive mood disorder (that probably has some comorbidity with other issues), but I honestly have not been to a therapist in over fifteen years. So my posturing here is just a guess, but I know myself and I know what is going on, I just don’t have the toolkit to deal with it effectively sometimes, and right now is one of those sometimes.

My routine was severely disrupted at the beginning of the year. I had an auto accident, and I still do not have my car. That is affecting me a lot, still. I’m ok, the car is (thankfully) the only thing that was hurt in the incident. Our second car died in one of the brutal cold snaps and I am thinking about letting her go than putting more money into her. That’s been a hard back and forth decision as well.

But that’s neither here nor there, I’m recognizing I need to stop the whole beating myself up about things I can no longer control since they’ve already happened and I’m trying to move forward. I’d like to be a more productive human than one that just goes to work, comes home, hangs out with my partner and our pets, rinse and repeat.

In one quasi-meditation[1] not so long ago, Freyja or Loki (most likely both), gave me the following thought:

You haven’t created anything new, that’s why you’re perpetually stuck in the past. That’s when you last created something, anything.

Which is entirely true.

I used to draw, create worlds with my imagination. I made jewelry. I tried to make lots and lots of crafty things. Then as I grew older, I slowly began to lose a lot of it, especially if it wasn’t cool. I never learned to be my own person. I was raised to not embarrass the family, so I tried my best to be cool and more often than not (and much to my confusion) failed miserably.

I’m working through that for part of that large, looming spiritual task ahead of me,  So that’s for a different time, maybe.

But I’ve been trying to hash out goals. I’ve only come up with a few, which may be better than a lot that I get overwhelmed with and then abandoned. The typical start is the new year, but I’m going to try and start most of these inline with the Spring Equinox. So here’s what I came up with. I’m trying to keep the list short, but meaningful, to value the change it brings.

  1. Have that funeral for myself. Go through the necessary shadow work to figure out what’s going to go and what’s going to stay.
  2. Follow some advice from Loki, Himself: “Embrace yourself for who you are. Take pride in your gifts and abilities.”  I’ve been fighting ‘being normal’ for a very long time, at least 20 years. It’s a hard fight. Time to learn to let it go.
  3. Learn a life skill that is important. I’ve chosen to crochet. There’s more that I would like to learn, but since I am still in an apartment, those will have to wait. But crocheting will give me skills (hopefully) to make blankets, clothing, and other miscellaneous items that will come in hand if it’s ever needed.  I’m excited to start this endeavor. I tried knitting and was getting so frustrated at even getting to the next row, and it wasn’t helping me any that every tutorial I went to was a different style from the last one. Crochet it is, then.
  4. Take better care of my body. I’m getting old, so my injuries are becoming ancient. I used to get away with not doing anything and just suffering through it, but it’s getting to the point where I won’t repair  like I once did. I’m looking at you, shoulders and knees. I would also like to work on my flexibility. I have lost that completely, and it shows. Especially working in an office all day. I also have a standing desk at work, I should utilize it.
  5. Work on getting mostly out of debt. I started this year with about 45,000$ in consumer debt (thanks, Sallie Mae). I’ve been paying on my student loans for about a decade now with almost no visible progress. I’m really tired of not being able to do things because of that large payment due every month. I do not make enough at my job to clear all that in a year (unless the cats and humans figured out a way to live on almost no money), but making a large dent is definitely feasible.
  6. Clean up all my e-courses. I have purchase a number of these over the years that I have barely touched or only slightly worked on. I’d like to get through a few of these, or mostly through them by the end of the year. Some are a month long, some are a year long or longer. I just want to make a dent in them, especially since I bought a lot of them.

The Nice to Haves

  • Get a house. We’ve been looking for a couple years now with no luck (or luck but we end up being outbid). This also might get easier with the debt lessening.
  • Pathworking. While renewing my spiritual and magical practice would be something great to get to this year, I will be happy to out it in a nice to have since I already have a lot going on with the above, and some if may come through anyway.
  • Start an online shop. Still not sure what all i would put there, but it would also help with debt, and help de-clutter my stuff.

That’s a pretty full plate though. I’ll do my best to stay more progressed on lots of things here.

[1] By that I mean, zoning out. Which I don’t see as the same thing, but I’ve never got the hang of actual mediation.

Writing on the bathroom wall

There’s a tile in the shower that is getting my attention.

The steam has coalesced onto the ceramic, and I’m drawn to it.

The two fangs of Jörmungandr, surrounding my first impression of what would be Odin, but I know (from lore) as Thor.

Surely this Fenrir, not Jörmungandr? 

Closer inspection of the shapes show seaweed and netting coming off the rest of the body, as it’s been long buried or nestled into the sea bed. The large human silhouette, I try to force it to be Thor, but it won’t budge. Why Odin in the fangs, and not Thor?

What are you trying to show me?

Not a single answer or inkling.

The next time in a shower much long after the first, I noticed the tile has shapes on it again, only it looks as though the scene has broken, the fangs are further impaled into the ground and the man between them has braced in a different pose. The helmet changed out for a travelers hat. Still Odin vibes. The serpent shape has riled up as if stuck, trying to free it’s fangs.

I wipe the tile away, and I haven’t even tried to look at it since.

Then daylight brought wisdom and fever and sickness too soon

About three-ish years ago, I picked up some spiritual guidance services. I’ve been stuck in this swirling spiraling rut for way too long and I feel the need to be prodded, pushed, dragged, poked, heaved out of it. It’s going slow, as I need it right now. Until I get the mess that is my employment situation, it’s going to have to be. It just leaves me too drained and I know that if I go and push myself harder, I’ll resign again and start to further assimilate to the cogs in the capitalist machine.

The first divination I got was not what I expected. I knew it would come as it’s been an over-arching Sign from Above that this needs to be done, but to essentially let go of the pass and retell my story. Daunting, to say the least.  So I begun the processing of the idea that I had to plan my own funeral and wonder what sort of tale I would spin for past me.

I reread the initial divination now, three years later, and realise that my intuition and feelings have taken it way too far, but it needs to be done, and it’s with a gusto. I won’t sugarcoat this though, it’s been a rough process and I’m still not close to considering myself “finished” enough for the ritual. There have been some Signs of what should be happening during the rite, but there’s been no end of the shit I need to wade through. There have been pushes to go ham on it and get rid of unnecessary things that I’ve held on to (for decades at this point) because they no longer serve me.

However, it’s not only been allocated to things but also people. In more specific terms, re-evaluating friendships that had become mostly one sided. This is the part that is really hurting. A couple of these friendships are (were?) over a decade old, with lots of laughs and tears shed.   

Whenever I feel as though I have made enough progress on this to go forward, I get thrown for a loop in some respect and I am sidetracked (ah, life!). I’m not ok with how long it’s been taking me to get on with this whole ordeal. Weeks turned into months which have turned into years. I’m hoping this process will end before too much longer, and that I can come up with a great funerary ritual, but I have a sneaking suspicion this will take longer still. I’m not ok with this, obviously. But I was pulled back from it and shown that these were becoming very one-sided, which I do not have the emotional capacity to sustain.

I’m not sure who or what will happen when I reach that other side, but I need to get back on track and start working toward that goal until I am sure that I am ready to die and be reborn.

photo credit

Icy Veins

Glaciers Nature Ice Cave Blue Patagonia Ice

The last couple visions I’ve had have been centered around ice, and the coldness that comes with it.

The first one: I was in a lake, dark blue-green. Bathing, surrounded by ice sheets and small icebergs. I felt incredibly alone.

The second one: A woman with a wall of blue ice behind her (much like the image above), pulling a fur lined hood over her face.

I wish I felt or saw more besides those two brief glimpses, but in the back of my brain pan, the only thing that comes to mind is “Skaði” when I ruminate on them. I can’t say I know how to feel about this, or what I entirely feel about this.

I don’t really know a whole lot about Her, except a couple myths. I’m going to do some digging and see if I can figure out what this all means.

photo credit


Twice now You’ve brought me inside of Your son, the serpent.

Once from Your cave to His gaping maw to prove that light dies. The second time forcing me through His gullet. I didn’t make it through that journey. I exited quickly at the sound of “we’re almost there”. Travelling through the serpent that wraps the world is a terrifying and long process, and I am still not prepared for what lies at the end of that journey. Maybe next time.

Sometimes, I have to wonder if You’re urging me towards Him or if I’m just to learn what lessons You have with Him. And sometimes, I just wonder if this is all in my head.

You’ve shown me acidic venom entwined with blood over a lapis slab. You’ve laughed in the eye of the tornado that is You.

You laugh maniacally when I ask if You are here to help untangle my madness. I feel a greater emphasis on embracing madness I’ve repressed. Small threads work their way into my conscious and I realise how far gone I actually am. When I try to reconcile instead of unleashing, You laugh again.

I always, always go back to imagery of cutting the Gordian knot. Loose ends enter my thought patterns and I’m gutted at what I’m discovering. I question if I’m like this way because I want to be or if it’s just the way things ended up. Maddening, cyclical thinking that never gets anywhere and feels as though it will just drive me over the edge.

I question if You are real or just a sock puppet. I feel as though You are laughing again.

image credit

I hate first posts

This started a few weeks ago.

Eclipse season. Full moon.
Mercury and Mars were treading the eclipse path, then.

The fox whispered to grow.
The falcon said to change.
In agreement, They added all that passed past needs to be shed.

Sometimes it’s hard.

Being stagnant would be harder.

Do, write, share, and grow; They’re pushing.

But I am here, now.
Not as before, unknowing of where I will be.