It’s hard for me to fathom that it’s already the 11th week of 2018. I had so much I had wanted to do by now, but I’ve not thought of or completed any sort of goals for the year.
At first I wanted to do the traditional new year’s, then as that slipped away, the Chinese New Year seemed like another apt starting point, and now that’s gone and I’m no closer to any sort of resolution or goal for this year. Much like many, many years in the past. I attribute this to the time slip of depression, because I am almost always in a constant shift between dysthymia and major depressive mood disorder (that probably has some comorbidity with other issues), but I honestly have not been to a therapist in over fifteen years. So my posturing here is just a guess, but I know myself and I know what is going on, I just don’t have the toolkit to deal with it effectively sometimes, and right now is one of those sometimes.
My routine was severely disrupted at the beginning of the year. I had an auto accident, and I still do not have my car. That is affecting me a lot, still. I’m ok, the car is (thankfully) the only thing that was hurt in the incident. Our second car died in one of the brutal cold snaps and I am thinking about letting her go than putting more money into her. That’s been a hard back and forth decision as well.
But that’s neither here nor there, I’m recognizing I need to stop the whole beating myself up about things I can no longer control since they’ve already happened and I’m trying to move forward. I’d like to be a more productive human than one that just goes to work, comes home, hangs out with my partner and our pets, rinse and repeat.
In one quasi-meditation not so long ago, Freyja or Loki (most likely both), gave me the following thought:
You haven’t created anything new, that’s why you’re perpetually stuck in the past. That’s when you last created something, anything.
Which is entirely true.
I used to draw, create worlds with my imagination. I made jewelry. I tried to make lots and lots of crafty things. Then as I grew older, I slowly began to lose a lot of it, especially if it wasn’t cool. I never learned to be my own person. I was raised to not embarrass the family, so I tried my best to be cool and more often than not (and much to my confusion) failed miserably.
I’m working through that for part of that large, looming spiritual task ahead of me, So that’s for a different time, maybe.
But I’ve been trying to hash out goals. I’ve only come up with a few, which may be better than a lot that I get overwhelmed with and then abandoned. The typical start is the new year, but I’m going to try and start most of these inline with the Spring Equinox. So here’s what I came up with. I’m trying to keep the list short, but meaningful, to value the change it brings.
- Have that funeral for myself. Go through the necessary shadow work to figure out what’s going to go and what’s going to stay.
- Follow some advice from Loki, Himself: “Embrace yourself for who you are. Take pride in your gifts and abilities.” I’ve been fighting ‘being normal’ for a very long time, at least 20 years. It’s a hard fight. Time to learn to let it go.
- Learn a life skill that is important. I’ve chosen to crochet. There’s more that I would like to learn, but since I am still in an apartment, those will have to wait. But crocheting will give me skills (hopefully) to make blankets, clothing, and other miscellaneous items that will come in hand if it’s ever needed. I’m excited to start this endeavor. I tried knitting and was getting so frustrated at even getting to the next row, and it wasn’t helping me any that every tutorial I went to was a different style from the last one. Crochet it is, then.
- Take better care of my body. I’m getting old, so my injuries are becoming ancient. I used to get away with not doing anything and just suffering through it, but it’s getting to the point where I won’t repair like I once did. I’m looking at you, shoulders and knees. I would also like to work on my flexibility. I have lost that completely, and it shows. Especially working in an office all day. I also have a standing desk at work, I should utilize it.
- Work on getting mostly out of debt. I started this year with about 45,000$ in consumer debt (thanks, Sallie Mae). I’ve been paying on my student loans for about a decade now with almost no visible progress. I’m really tired of not being able to do things because of that large payment due every month. I do not make enough at my job to clear all that in a year (unless the cats and humans figured out a way to live on almost no money), but making a large dent is definitely feasible.
- Clean up all my e-courses. I have purchase a number of these over the years that I have barely touched or only slightly worked on. I’d like to get through a few of these, or mostly through them by the end of the year. Some are a month long, some are a year long or longer. I just want to make a dent in them, especially since I bought a lot of them.
The Nice to Haves
- Get a house. We’ve been looking for a couple years now with no luck (or luck but we end up being outbid). This also might get easier with the debt lessening.
- Pathworking. While renewing my spiritual and magical practice would be something great to get to this year, I will be happy to out it in a nice to have since I already have a lot going on with the above, and some if may come through anyway.
- Start an online shop. Still not sure what all i would put there, but it would also help with debt, and help de-clutter my stuff.
That’s a pretty full plate though. I’ll do my best to stay more progressed on lots of things here.
 By that I mean, zoning out. Which I don’t see as the same thing, but I’ve never got the hang of actual mediation.